My Epiphany
So, here you are? You’ve made many irrational decisions, some more costly than others. Affecting you in a way that has thrown you back against the wall. In the process, you also lost so much too. It seems unreal, yet you are wallowing in the abyss of your own creation. Now the real question is, where do you go from here? Where do you start? Although the dream and goals you seek are still there, the work to get there may take a little longer than before because you got distracted and let your emotions get the best of you. So, before we go any further, let’s break down the word epiphany. The word itself describes a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something. For example, you had a decent job, a roof over your head, and a good career. Your family is healthy and well taken care of. What could go wrong? Actually, everything, you can have it all today and lose it all tomorrow. Understanding that, what do you think your awakening is? Have you realized you screwed up big time because you became too careless or even reckless? Whatever your feeling, you’re probably trying to shove it into the back of your mind. (And trust me, drugs or alcohol and even the wrong people will not solve the problem, based on my experiences.) Or you’re probably thinking it’s better not to face it than actually letting it slap you in the face where it leaves you feeling awful, right? No! False intuitive, my friend. Instead of running from the situation or refusing to let it surface. It would help if you embraced the pain, let it teach you a lesson, let it guide you, and let it wove into your soul. I know it sucks, and the thought already makes you dread it, but I promise you, you’ll become much stronger through the whole experience. Because if you don’t, it will only bury you deeper into this unplan grave you’ve shoveled out.
Here’s a quote from Bob Marley:
“You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.”
Perhaps this is where you need to realize your mistakes and behavior that led to this point. Are you even accepting that you took a lot of good things for granted? Well, I’m sure you are. You’re probably thinking to yourself, dam. I guess I did have it pretty good.
Now you’re back at square one, not technically, but it pretty much feels like that, right? I know, I know. What’s up with all the questions you ask yourself, right? Yet, what is life if we don’t question ourselves and do our best to find the answers to our purpose? As you’re reading this, I want you to be able to picture this as a new journey for you to find yourself and to reinvent a new and better version of yourself. You’re here, seeking answers because perhaps you’re just as lost as I am. Confused, anxious, worried, and stressed, plus many other emotions, dragging you down the rabbit hole to insanity. Yet, I’m sure you’re strong enough to keep your sanity together, considering you’re still keeping up with everything I’ve said so far. I’m just teasing but joking aside. You’re lost, and I get it? Sometimes, you may even feel like, how can reading a book about self-development, reading some lame horoscope, or listening to motivational speeches help you? Or even talking to someone? Or whatever it is that you turn to? Yeah, they inspire you and give you a sense of comfort for those moments spent, but as soon as you set that aside, you’re alone. Boom! Guess what? Life happens, and you find yourself struggling so hard to get through. The pressure runs high up off the roof, and your chest becomes tighter as you try to breathe. Not easy?
The whole world is spinning, and you feel like you’re losing grasp of reality as you sink into the ocean of endless depression. Sounds pretty drastic, right? But wait! A neat little trick is to close your eyes and zone out of the world (meaning forget anything and everything that exists right now, except you and this very moment). Appreciate your very existence and block out all the self-doubt. Take a deep breath for seven seconds and hold it in for four seconds, then exhale slowly (like slowly focusing on your exhale because I believe it’s the most important part) for eight seconds. Do this about five times (or more if needed) as you clear out your mind from all the negative thoughts, storming and producing lightning bolts inside your head and all the weight on your shoulder. Now do me a favor. Before you open your eyes, I want you to tell yourself that you love yourself and you got this. Okay, ready? Now open your eyes. Did it work? Probably, probably not. Everyone has different ways of coping with their own anxiety and stress levels, but the key thing is to establish a way or concept of learning to take it easy on yourself. That was just my tip, but I’m sure you can find one that works for you.
As adults, we are always bombarded with so much responsibility and finding our way in life. Like seriously, where’s the planned flip to success? Bills? Providing? Oh, the list goes on and on. Yet, we find ourselves always on the go and trying to please others that we forget to take care of ourselves. So many of us grow up in environments that truly affect our lively hood to this day, and in such ways, it probably scarred us and left a post-traumatic experience. Trust me, I have my own demons, but we’re here to figure things out together. Well, I would at least hope so. I’m no psychiatrist, nor am I some expert in writing. I’m just a random person here to express myself and perhaps help you along the way as I travel through this journey of self-discovery.
Depending on when you’re reading this, it’s probably been days, weeks, months, even years, but today I got terminated (Yikes!) No. (chuckling) I’m not dead. I just got laid off from my workplace. I’ve worked as a tech in a certain career field for about nine years going ten. (Not going to mention what area) but you get the point. Yeah, talk about devotion, right? It’s truly depressing, mostly because through my years of trying to be on top of my game, I let myself become too comfortable, and yeah, it backfired pretty hard. No one is to really blame but myself. (Darn it, self, why are you so stupid?) Just kidding, partially. Remember what I said, don’t be too hard on yourself. Everything happens for a reason. Trust the process. (Optimism!) Yeah, at least that’s what I tell myself so I don’t overwhelm myself with negative thoughts. It was a good-paying job, and I enjoyed the experience of providing service to help others. I met many good people, and some (cough, cough) I would prefer to stay away from.
The funny thing was this morning when I woke up. I had a strong feeling in my gut that it was my last day of work. Considering I was called into the office yesterday, I didn’t know when doomsday was coming. Call it a hunch, or whatever you may. So I got dressed, drove to work, entered the parking lot structure, and parked on the highest floor. Normally I park on the second floor. Always kind of been my gig. Don’t ask me why. But today, for some reason, I decided to go to the top and enjoy the night sky, which is the roofless fourth floor. It was about 4:50 in the morning, and the night sky was still filled with stars. I was in my vehicle listening to some motivational speeches I downloaded from YouTube. Trust me, at this point, any level of convincing myself to be positive was what I was definitely needing. After fifteen minutes of sitting in my car, I finally gathered the courage to embrace my day.
I left the driver’s side and walked to the passenger side, opening the door to grab my heavy black backpack (books, notebooks, and laptop). Nerdy, right? Anyways, as I closed the passenger door and glanced to the right side of the night sky, there it was. A hasting shooting star, flying by like a glowing needle piercing through the night. Gone within a second, I counted. That’s how fast it came and went. As depressed as I felt, I closed my eyes and made a wish there at that moment. Considering the tale behind seeing a shooting star representing good fortune or good luck in life. I could really use that.
So, we finally made it to my epiphany (saying the word with my head bobbing) like I’m some long-time guru. Remember all those questions I asked you earlier into your reading this. Yes, no? (slight chuckle) Well, at that moment, I accepted my fate, whatever it may be. I know this will be a new and challenging journey for me.
“New levels bring new devils, stay unapologetic to your goals and let go of anyone who poisons your spirit,” a quote by Steve Maraboli.
I told myself I’d had a good run in the career, and of course, I’m already pursuing the dream of being a successful novelist one day (fingers crossed, big cheesy smile). Mind you again, I am not the best writer, but if there’s anything I can truly, without a doubt, believe in. It would be that you can be a novice at anything but with devotion, effort, and pure love for your passion (whatever it may be), you can achieve the impossible. I mean, we’re being optimistic, right? (laughing to myself) Sure, why not. Hard work pays off, but back to the story. Anyways I went about my morning, and when the afternoon came, that’s when life was ready to slap me to the moon and back. I was officially terminated, and it devastated me. My stomach felt sick (Shit! And I didn’t even get to eat lunch yet. Probably a good thing, or I would’ve vomited it back out), and my heart wanted to jump out of my chest and run off into the wilderness only if it can just grow two legs. Again, it was my fault, and no one is to blame. I just thought of how hard I worked to get so far and lose everything. Man, talk about life, just exploding in your face. (Wiping fake sweats off my forehead as I sit here typing) It was pretty hard to accept, but it was real, and there was no walking away from reality at this point. How was I going to face my family or tell them that I fucked up and lost my job? (sigh)
Definitely not an easy task. So, I grabbed my stuff, said my farewell, got to my car, and sat there, drenched in depression. The thing is, I was always planning to leave this career anyways. I figured I would go in a proper and well-mannered way, where I would be a happy individual, but man, the walk of shame sure hits the spot well. (Shaking my head) My eyes were watery, my car blasting music as I soaked in the moment. After ten minutes, I swallowed my pride and drove home, ready to embrace the disappointment of the faces I love and cherish.
Pulling up the driveway, I felt like I couldn’t find the courage to face my family. I know there is already enough going on as things are, but man, gathering the courage to express yourself as a failure, now that burns deep. So I walked into the house with a low voice and told my family. (Not my parents, of course) I wasn’t ready for that. (And yes, I had to move back to stay with my parents. It’s a long story) I looked at my little boy and just felt awful as a father. Dam, even if the kid was only three years old and could barely make out any sentences. It’s so sad to know you don’t have a single clue on how you will provide for this little, tiny human being for now. And, of course, the wifey wasn’t too happy, considering she was closed due to having our daughter soon, but that’s a story for another time. Overall, it was a harsh day to accept. I’ve never been laid off before even when I was working at the age of seventeen. (Not the same job, of course)
Bazooka to face! So, I did what I thought would be the best remedy besides wanting to turn to alcohol. I got dressed, went into the garage, started working out, and lifted weights. Music blasted and blocked out the world as I sweated out my negative suffering for positive suffering for an hour. (Trying to balance my yin and yang) Yes, working out is very therapeutic to mind and soul and good for your health and body. Try it. You might like it. (It can be quite addicting once you discover how good you feel about yourself) Afterward, I took a shower, standing there with the cold water pouring over my head down to my body. Oh yeah, I definitely left it on cold for 5 minutes, but at this point, the cold was the only thing making me feel alive besides my workout. Finally got out after a good 20-minute shower, put on some relaxing clothes, took my vitamins, drank my protein shake, and ate what they called linner (Lunch and dinner) since I was terminated before I could even take a lunch.
This is where we meet. Where I’m writing to whoever’s reading this blog, I wrote it because I felt lost and didn’t know what to do besides express myself. I mean, I have a game plan. (sort of) Optimism, right? (Faking a laugh) Now that we’re here remember my epiphany and the shooting star. Life punching me in the face was a wake-up call, but the shooting star was a breath of fresh air. I know things will get better. I know it will be hard, and no one would like to be in this shoe, but if you are. You’re not alone. I feel your pain, and I know you got this. We’re survivors, and giving up is not what we do. Right? You haven’t given up on reading my little blog yet, so that’s a start. (Applauding) Tomorrow, I’m setting some goals and (deep breath) planning out what to do next. (Meaning the road to success and becoming who we need to become) Anyways I had a long day, so I’ll catch you guys on the next blog. Thank you, and take care of yourself. One day at a time, my friends. Here’s a little quote to express my epiphany.
“Sometimes, you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself.”